smelt

been busy tonight. good busy. fun busy. you know when you put something you want to do aside because there's something you MUST do, should do, and you don't end up doing the other thing because it gives you the shits and this stubborn will kicks in (stopping you from doing the thing you must do, should do) as well as the thing you want to do? you feel too guilty to do the thing you want to do and end up doing nothing at all. it's pure 'failing at the discipline'. discipline. the rod i make for my own back by saying i'm gonna... whatever it is i'm gonna do. well, my new policy is: fuck discipline. not really, it's not so much a policy as tonights excited gleeful rebellion. 'don't tell me what to do', i'm saying to myself, 'i'll show you'. but i HAD to go do the first and most preferable thing. i just had to. that's a good sign, when you're busting to do something, some arty type creative urgey type thing. if you push the discipline in the arty type crafty field your work's gonna be crap anyway, hey. because your hearts not in it. you'd have to agree. it's just that i've always wanted to do the book thing and i'm sure it'd sell (we're all sure our stuff'll sell, and i reckon it would sell, i'm not just saying it to be positive). and i'm not being vain either even though it probably looks vain. or sounds vain. i don't know why i'm good at what i do. it's not my fault that i'm dead keen. i don't know why my stuff is different. you just think your own thoughts. who knows where it comes from? the thoughts and ideas. the observations or the wish to implement the ideas. from the gods? the far reaches of something or the other? i'm one of those people who think humans built the pyramids. and that early man, like a few thousand years ago man was pretty well the same as we are, with less education. not less intelligence, not less wisdom, not less humour. not less concern for his kids. just less knowlege. and that counts. the more educated we are, the more resource we have to balance our views. which doesn't neccessarily mean we use it well, but we're less likely to think it was witchcraft when we know it was a fungi that grew in the rye that made everyone go crazy. that's the difference. we seem to give things an esoteric explanation when we don't have the info. frikking aliens get to be so smart. we couldn't possibly be so smart, is that what they're trying to say? some people are busting for it to be aliens who built the pyramids. why give away all the glory? i'm rapt that we're so damned clever. proud and amazed. someone i know says we used to be telepathic. bullshit. i think that's crap. she also said i believed in jesus because of my specific zodiac. can't argue with that but it's funny don't you think? kind of like that bumper sticker her husband's ex-girlfriend hated that said 'god loves atheists too'. can you see why that's similar? sort of like an oxymoron. oxymoronish. i was sick yesterday and a bit of today. i took today off work and thought i'd make myself busy here at home but didn't of course because i was sick. post sick. sick-ish. bastard having a day off for being sick and not feeling well. i thought i'd do some shopping since that doesn't take much energy and it gets the shopping out of the way. i drove like a zombie, thinking 'what the fuck am i doing' and thinking how good the mid-day movie probably would have been. or a snooze. my friend has just moved into the area and she 'phoned at about 5 when i usually knock off work. i acted all enthusiastic and we met for coffee, which i paid for in guilt because i hadn't called her/in celebration of her moving into the area, and i'm making up conversation (with her)... a bit because she was stoned and her mind was someplace and i don't know what to talk about with her and it doesn't always come easily. and she was obviously off with the fairies. i've smoked pot for periods of time but it fucks with my health and my motivation and my output. and while i'm procrastinating the mess with my head/productivity bit, my health fucks up and i give it away with a sigh of relief. i've done that three times. two years a pop. never again. my health won't cope. the first time i gave up because i just did. i seem to turn to it in times of major crisis and then get pissed off with the junkie type qualities i exhibit. i hate junkies. if you're a junkie and you're honest you'd probably agree that the junkie aspects of your behaviour are fucking awful. the rest of you may well be a terrific person and you might have a brilliant reason to go there. i'm not judging you as a person but it's making you an arse i'll bet. because i slept so much yesterday afternoon and went to bed early and slept all night and even slept in and i slept this afternoon i don't want to go to bed just yet, but there's work in the morning. every week day excepting tuesdays but i usually find work then too, $$$ and all that. tomorrow night my boyfriend is coming over. the next night i'm having dinner with my kids. the next night my mum and dad want to have coffee after work. the night after that i'm working after working in the day. saturday night usually my boyfriend comes over and we're going to a design exhibition thing in the day. i hope he can cope with all day AND night. hanging out with him is my favourite, because he's just gorgeous and we feel relaxed and happy and like hanging out together. we both want to do the same things and we're more likely to do them because we both want to, so it's good stuff. it's nice and cosy and good stuff all rolled into one. it's not me putting out niceness. don't get me wrong, i'm nice to him, but it's not any kind of effort and i enjoy him. so it's selfish too. love is about what you give and what you need being given to you. i like it. you like them because they're them and you like that, and because they make you feel nice. i've got to do lots of things or they'll never get done and i'll get there don't you worry. but not tomorrow night. i'm gonna soak up the atmosphere. i might do some stuff but i'll be distracted by chicken soup and my period is just finished which means we havn't had proper sex for a week and we might have to do that too. not that we have to have sex every time, but it's a tease when you CAN'T. i know lots of people do anyway but i don't like it. maybe it's psycological but i can't feel anything much when i've got my period. which makes no difference because he doesn't like it either. of course you can be inventive and that's all very well but i can masturbate any time. it's not the same. i'm just telling you this sex stuff to be a bit interesting and out there. hypocrite, because i get bored with sex being a device for keeping people interested. we were talking ourselves through a fantasy the other night and i said i'd like him to come over and wake me up by doing things to me, but i'd probably freak if he didn't say hi as he walked in the door. the key is usually in the door but no-one comes here. i'd hear his car door even if i was asleep i think. a couple of times he's come over in the night and i loved it. i didn't freak, come to think of it. one time he decided on the spur of the moment to hitch over and he had a lot of trouble getting a lift, but he made it. it makes you feel good when someone does that. that's what i call romantic, when someone suddenly hitches over unplanned and unannounced at three o'clock in the morning, it's special.